The Mile Wide Club

There has been much future-gazing and debate in recent weeks about how to get more peeps to the Bermuda hood to spend their big bucks and in doing so secure its, wait for it, the byword of late, sustainability. So we're talking cruise ships and air travel.

Firstly, a study of Bermuda's shipping channels has brought the matter of how to cater to ever-expanding  cruise ships to the fore. Sadly, unlike those perfectly round desert island you get in children's stories, Bermuda has all sorts of curves and corners (plenty of junk in its trunk you might say) to navigate in order to bring a ship into dock. The island started its life as a volcano and so actually consists over over 200 islands, although I imagine some are mere dots in the ocean. The report speculates that in order to accommodate the cruise ships of the future, a 70-metre wide by 10-metre deep channel, known as Town Cut, that ships use to access the historic town of St.George's in the East would need to be widened through the elimination of at least three islands and a cost of around $70 million. The reason... St George's gets 100 times less visitors as it did 4 years, mainly due to issues of water access. Similar plans are underway to scope out increasing the size of channels into the island's capital, Hamilton.

When reports like this come out it is easy to get carried away in thinking, well this is the only option and a must-do to save Bermuda's tourism trade from extinction. However, an examination of the bigger picture, reveals that as cruise passengers spend an average of $210 each according to Government figures, far less than the average hotel nightly room rate,so attracting hotel guests will have a much bigger economic impact. Therefore increasing the ease of passage to the island by air should be the focus of everyone's attention.

This conclusion hasn't been overlooked. The Government is busy drawing up a National Tourism Plan and as part of those discussions the subject of air travel has been a key focus. The prospect of Bermuda having its own airline was even raised. Now this sounds a little crazy at first but when you consider that Air Jamaica and Cayman Air exist and have so far survived the downturn unlike other larger airlines then maybe it's not complete madness. Currently BA has the monopoly on direct flights from the UK and it's rumoured to be one of their most profitable routes. No big surprise as it has to be one of their most expensive routes relatively speaking by mileage. My bank account has definitely taken a few rather big hits for my trips home and I very rarely get visitors. Although maybe I'm kidding myself that it's on account of the air fare: -(

I already have a powerful vision of what shape BDAAIR could take and maybe much of my inspiration comes from the spirit of Venga Airways from the classic "We're going to Ibiza" 90s tuuune. My feeling is that boarding the airline should give you island flavour from the moment you step on board. I'm picturing stewards in Bermuda shorts, a welcome Dark n Stormy, menus featuring fish chowder, local fish entrees and rum cake for afters! Yum! Maybe even a live set from Will Black in the first class lounge. You'd barely even notice the 7 hours go by, you'd be having so much of a good time. Rather like a night on Front Street before you even land. Somehow it's 3.30am, you're in Cafe Cairo and no idea how you got there... but that's another story for another blog post!!

However, even with the best airline in the world, it still matters what's on offer when you arrive. I've been seeing the island through a tourist's eyes over the last few weeks. It's that time of year again when a few friends' work contracts have come to end. I won't dwell on that as it's still a little raw :-( Looking on the bright side, I have got to be part of a number of 'bucket list' expeditions as deserters tick the boxes on their 'things to do before you leave' lists.

One such adventure led me to join a horse riding trail along the beaches with Spicelands one morning just before popping off to the office for the average working day. We were joined by some tourists from New Jersey and talking to them en route highlighted issues that most tourists are likely to face. They found a lack of up-to-date information about what to do on the island before they arrived and then difficulties with logistics when they did work out what they wanted to do.

Admittedly booking a horse ride was not as easy as I'd anticipated. You have to know what you want in order to get it (like so many things in life, sadly). We wanted to ride on the beaches but in peak season you can only do that at 7am but I only know that from word of mouth rather than any information I found and certainly not straight from the horse's mouth - although that would make life a lot easier! Then there was the issue of finding the stable. I must have gone past them hundreds of times on my travels but when you are trying to find the place before sunrise, you're still half asleep and neon signs that you can actually see are a no-no, it all becomes a little complicated. It's these finer details that stick in your mind as negatives when you are on holiday and your trying to make the most of every last second of freedom and instead you're bogged down in admin.

Yep, with holidays it's the whole package deal that counts, limiting the emotional excess baggage and getting value for money and a smile at every turn. I'm just hoping that the policymakers remember that before they overly concern themselves with digging deeper shipping channels when they should maybe try scratching just below the surface to create those magic moments dusted with sparkling customer service and a smidgeon of charisma. Come on Bermuda, show them why you rock and you're not just some random rock no one wants to visit...

To Labour or not to Labor...

In PR land, August is commonly known as 'silly season' due to the lack of hard news it generally generates. Here in Bermuda there's been plenty of silliness to populate the summer season but a surprising abundance of real news centring around a number of labour disputes. You can't blame a worker for picking this time of year when the weather is at its sweetest to wanna down tools.

Unfortunately it is also the time of year when the island is at its busiest with tourists, ready to be inconvenienced and put off for vacationing here for life. Not a great way to go in a struggling economy Bermuda!

There was an eight-week bus strike after drivers were up in arms by the sacking of a colleague who refused a drug test after an accident that injured a passenger. This rather shady grey matter is finally expected to be sorted through arbitration. Then came a strike notice from City of Hamilton workers disgruntled by the sacking of two colleagues. A ban on overtime for dockworkers as a cost-saving measure has led to delays in food shipments that come into Bermuda on Sundays reaching supermarket shelves and restaurants. As if the lettuce wasn't limp enough already! Then it was the prison workers threatening a strike over 'sub-human' conditions as they claim to face more dangerous criminals than ever before. With many of the island's working population off-island on vacay, it begged the question who was on the island and functioning last month. Would the last one to leave the island please turn off the light!!

As we hit the Labor Day holiday on Monday, September 5, most the disputes had reached some sort of resolution. Oh the irony, if they had continued over this U.S. celebration of the economic and social contributions of workers. However it wasn't all best foot forward towards as unions threatened to boycott this very day's festivities, marking the 30th year that the date has been observed in Bermuda. The unions felt it was "counterproductive” to participate in celebrations as they see International Workers’ Day on May 1 to be “the true Labour Day.” I've gone cross-eyed, isn't it counterproductive to strike about something so seemingly trivial in the first place?! Come on people, let's sit down and settle this over a nice tea break. 


All this silliness led me to make the most of the day off rather than spend it pounding the pavements with a placard. I went off to Chicago, which certainly lived up to expectations that it would be my kind of town. Skyscrapers, shopping, sunshine, Starbucks washed down with more than a few cheeky vinos, cosmos and slices of deep pan to the sounds of ja-aa-azzz. I learnt that Chicago is actually known as the 'windy city' for its political uncertainties as a swing state rather than the high winds off Lake Michigan as often assumed. 

Back on the island we're are in the full throngs of dealing with physical winds. We missed the lovely Irene on the way out by a mere few days, only to be greeted by the far too friendly Katia on our return. Luckily she turned out to have more pout than puff for this little island. Now Maria is hot on her heels this week, but it's too early to tell whether her she will strut her stuff this way and make a swing for us with an over-stuffed handbag. Nevertheless I'll be hurricane-force super-glued to the highly addictive www.stormpulse.com once again...

Bed bugs and beyond begone in Bermuda

Strange things happen in the triangle and they don't get much stranger than Friday night...

So I was out with the Fraggle Rock royalty and a colleague at The Fairmont Hamilton Princess happy hour. We were debating burning issues such as why would Miss Piggy go for Kermit the Frog with those skinny legs, whether Bert and Ernie really were gay and which in fact is the hottest muppet (we went for the Count with his sexy accent and mysterious cape), when we were joined in the conversation by a Canadian tourist. I believe he came along to help us out with another conundrum - is Transylvania a real place? Yes fact finders, it is indeed a region of Romania. Anyhoo, we were asking the usual questions, where d'you come from? What do you do? When we rather excitedly discovered that he was in Bermuda following a meeting with the U.S. Government in Washington D.C. as he had just developed a bio-pesticide that killed bed bugs. Given the magnitude of this issue in the States, this was big news!! And 'Long tails & Bermuda shorts' readers, you saw it here first, the photographic evidence...

Exhibit A - Bed buds, clearly VERY dead.

We took our new friend to sample the delights of Front Street. But I have to say I wasn't all that proud. No wonder the island has such a dwindling tourist industry when this is the image it presents - a heavy armed police presence, metal detection scanners on entry to a night club and a reminder from the DJ that smoking Cannabis was not permitted after a hash cloud filled the club. Oh dear.

For a few moments I felt like the police were after me as they were everywhere we were - for a variety of sins, e.g. bad jokes, poor grasp of the French language, consuming a bottle of Perrier not bought on the premises, etc. It could have been anything but it became painfully apparent that they had another target in their sights. They even had the Police Commissioner, Mike DeSilva, doing a search of Moon nightclub so it must have been serious. There were rumours that someone was stabbed circulating but the media has not since verified this so not entirely sure what was going down.

Things have been tense anyway since a 16-year-old boy was gunned down in the street last week. A popular  comedy club on Front Street even closed its doors as a direct reaction to the unrelenting gang violence as the owner was concerned about the gangster clientele it was attracting. Shame there isn't a bio-pesticide to get rid of this vermin!!

'Long tails & Bermuda shorts' has come full circle. With this post, I mark its anniversary, and the very first post (and many since) have charted the growing gun crime on this paradise island. Such a crying shame.

On a lighter note, I would like to dedicate this post to the handful of fans (that aren't my friends who are obliged to flatter my ego!!) that have been kind enough to write to me with their positive feedback. To Sal in Dublin, Dawn in rural Dublin, Ted in Sydney, Oman Collective Agency and Kym in New York - thank you for proving that blogs do get read by people you don't know and inspiring me to keep waffling on...

Moooovies, Muppets, Puppets and Shakers...

I've been rather preoccupied over the last ten days, so forgive ANOTHER short break in posts, but we have just wrapped the annual Bermuda International Film Festival and it's taken up a lot of my head space since I volunteered to be PR Director back in January. My, my, what a challenge, particularly with a full-time job, but loved every nano second!!


Not only have I been busy with the press releases, Facebook posts and tweets but it's also taken up a lot of my free time this week as I managed to catch a lot of films and I've certainly had my mind expanded. Saw my first subtitled firm, my first shorts, a very interesting documentary about the racial undertones of the post-Hurricane Katrina elections in New Orleans, a great film directed by David Schwimmer from Friends and my first ever sex scene involving a dead body. All very enlightening and now I'm a total convert, not to Necrophilia I hasten to add, but to this whole indie film scene. 


As a fellow Brit expat in Bermuda bloggers writes in "Dog or Affair", it is not till you are starved of culture, that when you get offered a smidgen you star jump on it from a great height. I lived in London for nearly four years and when you are spoilt for choice, you barely notice culture in a crowded room. I worked on the same road as the theatre where Phantom of the Opera played for over a year and still I've never seen this West End classic (although I have seen the film and know all the words to all the songs of course). My taste in film has always been very mainstream but I now definitely see the value in catching a movie on the road less travelled. 


And it's not just the films, BIFF brought some fascinating people to Bermuda and some of the fascinating people already here, out of the cedar woodwork. The jurors for the competition features alone were an interesting bunch including Oscar-winning producer Hans de Weers (Antonia’s Line, Best Foreign Language Film, 1996) and screenwriter Larry Gross (48 Hours, Streets of Fire, Another 48 Hours and Geronimo). Then I was attending one of the post-film social events and I was introduced to Whitney Kimmel from the jury, an entertainment and awards publicist from L.A. who has represented The King's Speech, Buitiful, and Precious, to name a few, as our introducer said "we do the same thing." Now this was a huge compliment for me but for her I imagine not so much. I PR insurance, cable TV and financial planning; she PRs Colin Firth and Javier Bardem. Some people have all the luck!! 


But as I sat hearing about the time she met Tom Cruise, on the other side of me, a new good friend of mine who I've been working alongside for weeks happens to mention she is daughter of the co-creator of the mighty Fraggle Rock, Michael Frith. HOLD THE PHONE, MAKE LIKE TOM & CRUISE. Now this is cool!! He was also editor of the Sesame Street book series and was employed by Jim Henson as a creative consultant for The Muppet Show and Muppet Babies. And I learned something I never knew, the Rock setting in Fraggle Rock is inspired by Bermuda's Crystal Caves. As a HUGE Sesame St./Muppets fan, this was bigger news than any Hollywood star sighting. As a youngster I used to turn down offers to go out and play because I wanted to stay home in my Burt & Ernie slippers to watch the latest happenings from the Street and learn the alphabet/how to count along the way :-)





And if that wasn't enough exciting and wonderful randomness for one week, this is the moment when Star Wars met Stargate at our private filmmakers' dinner on Sunday night...

On the left is Kathy Mullen, a puppeteer whose accomplishments including working with Yoda in Star Wars: The Empire Strike Back. On the right is actor, Peter Williams, from BIFF Jury, who played arch-nemesis Apophis in the internationally syndicated sci-fi series Stargate SG-1 for five seasons. 


David Poland from BIFF's international advisory panel members was also in town for the festival.He is editor-in-chief of www.moviecitynews.com and for his online feature DP/30 he has interviewed huge names in the world of film including most recently Jeff Bridges, Natalie Portman and Sofia Coppola. Also in Bermuda for BIFF 2011 was Peter Rainer, a veteran broadcast who only this week wrote a glowing tribute to Elizabeth Taylor for Bloomberg.com.


I think that's enough name dropping for one post so I leave with the presentation of an Oscar Award for Best Headline of the Week to Bermuda Sun for a story about a floating farm of 1,500 cows arriving in Bermuda: "Cattle moo-ve across Atlantic to Bermuda" 


That's all for now moooovie fans :-)

To civilization and back again...

So it's been nearly two months since my last post. Firstly I must apologise profusely to my thousands of devoted fans, who have no doubt been left depressed and destitute, suspended in a life without meaning, but I am back and I brownie-guide promise to be a better blogger from now on.

So what's been happening, where have I been? Well, first there was my second nothing-short-of spectacular Christmas on the island with family. Almost put off by all the bubbles on the beach and crimbo sunshine last year, surprisingly Mum, Dad and brother Benny were back for more. It is written in the unwritten Bermuda expat bible of life that thou shalt spend Christmas morning on Elbow Beach in a Santa hat with Champagne cocktail in hand. Oh shucks, must I?

Apart from that, the age old format remained the same. Ate too much everyday, drank too much everyday. Balanced out (or imbalanced out as the case may be) by a few faaamily walks.

January brought my 30th birthday and my first trip home to the U.K. in 15 months. Never did I think I would describe London Gatwick as a culture shock but that is exactly what it was. I haven't been completely marooned on the rock all that time, I've been to the U.S. a number of times, but still I hadn't seen my homeland for so long that it was almost foreign. A lot has changed in that that time, there's a whole new Government and the recession has truly bitten for starters.

Also a shock to the system, the weather. It is fair to say that I am now fully acclimatised to my Bermuda climes. Yes, 14 degrees celsius is cold, it's not proper rain unless it's 'tank rain' and wind is measured by the degree to which you feel you could be blown off your scooter. So you can imagine my dismay to find myself in 4 degrees. Brrrrrrrr. I anticipated I would feel the cold, I did not however anticipate not being able to feel my face due to the fact that it was pretty much frozen. Who needs botex eh?

Second biggest challenge to this now simple island dweller was major information overload, I feel like Johnny 5 trying to fathom out this whole new world of input. Finding baggage reclaim alone was an enigma.There were signs telling me which platform I needed to get the train into Central London, signs telling me which lift I need to get to said platform, not to mention train times, temporary tube maps with engineering works updates etc etc.

Now to the average Londoner this is no big deal but when you're used to virtually no information in day to day life then it's somewhat of challenge. For example, to get a bus into town stand by a pink pole or to get out of town stand by a blue one. Simples. Then there's the roads, really just a case of North Shore, Middle or South Road. The only slight causes for confusion are why you need to choose between a Zone 3 or 14 bus ticket and why there are so many Tribe Roads, there are even A and B variants of this popular road name. Small mysteries in comparison to the crystal maze experience that was getting out of Gatwick. Luckily it was an 'automatic lock-in' timed challenge or else I'd still be there. If the security has been upped as much as rumours suggest then there is probably a man somewhere studying unusual behavioural patterns on some CCTV in the deepest, darkest corner of the airport. After my visit, he is probably still there a week later, scratching his head, and trying to work out why someone would get off the Bermuda flight and continue to walk round in continuous circles, chasing one's proverbial tail.

By the time I reached the bustling Zone 1 of London town and plonked myself into the sanctuary of a black cab, leaving the cockney at the wheel in charge of navigation, I felt a little more at ease but still somewhat of a tourist. I felt myself gasp as we sped by Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Trafalgar Square, the London Eye, Tower Bridge. Oh oh oh, it was almost too much, for this legal alien! These are the things that become frightfully commonplace when you pass them on a daily basis, but when you are starved of such sightseeing marvels, they give you that lust for London life once more.

Unable to check into my hotel for a few hours I made the mistake of trying to tackle the pavement traffic on London Bridge at rush hour, head-on. I had in mind that I would go for a nice peaceful stroll along the south bank, forgetting about the minor issue of making it alive across the Thames first. Never have I felt more like pavement roadkill as I fell foul to around the quarter of the population of Bermuda on that one bridge at 8.50am. It's enough to turn this fish out of water into a quivering wreck. And people walk so fast and with such purpose. There is no beeping just to say "hey girlfriend/aceboy", pulling over for a quick catch up with a pedestrian or random passers-by telling you look "cute" or that your outfit is "fierce."

Other than that when it came to interaction once more with my people, natural order was restored. Yes there was facial hair on some faces where once there none but the same people were late, stressed, drunk or inappropriate as before. And the same people were this classic cocktail rolled into one.

One of the first new additions to London life I noticed was Mayor Boris's bikes. What a bloody good idea, although I've been sheltered from the political backlash that no doubt surrounds them. But it looked pretty straight forward, they're everywhere, you pay an access fee, hop on and hop off where you like and you travel in the good 'ol British styling of the Barclays brand.

One thing I had conveniently forgotton was how long it takes to get around the big smoke and the old rule of thumb to allow 40 minutes for any journey regardless of distance. Following a dose of speed shopping on Oxford Street, I foolishly had thoughts of popping two stops up the Victoria Line in ten minutes to meet my friends for drinks. Forgetting about the daily dramas of station closures due to overcrowding, engineering works and other infuriating obstacles in getting from A to Zed.

I later discovered on the News at Ten the reason for travel delays (as so often was the case when I was a Londoner - you never really know what's going on as you bumble along and just wait to be told later by the all-seeing beeb). In this case, tax cut protesters had been sprayed by Police with CS gas. A sign of the times if ever there was one. Perhaps civilization ain't so civilized after all.

I must admit it was kinda nice to get back to the island and a sense of calm was restored as we cruised into land just as the sun set.

Then as if the euphoria of being back in paradise wasn't enough, I got to walk into Arrivals on the airport carpet now enjoying viral fame following a CNN article. To find out what the fuss is all about, see The Royal Gazette report here or just come visit. It's a real beauty, the carpet and the island.

A melting pot with no glass lid

For one week each year Bermuda plays host to rugby players from around the globe. Teams from England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, France, Argentina, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Canada, the United States, Spain, Portugal and Uruguay - they've all made the pilgrimage to this little dot in the Atlantic for the World Rugby Classic. And what a week it is! 

With winter on it's way, the temperature dropping, the nights drawing in, what better way to pass the time than by wrapping up to watch battle commence between global arch rivals. Last night's USA vs. Canada pairing made for an interesting match. With both sides equally well supported by expats in the bleechers. When it got to the Classic Lions (England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales) against the South Africans, I felt that the Lions were a little under-supported. Considering Bermuda is an English overseas territory, it's funny that the saffas outnumber the Brits. And not just in number but also in spirit. They even had a random saxophonist up in the stands, whilst the Brits maintained just the usual stiff upper lip while we suffered a familiar defeat on the sporting field. All was forgotten ten minutes later as we all got down until the wee small hours to the sounds of the sixties under canvas lubricated by just a drop of Black Seal Rum.

Meanwhile away from the Rugby field, we had a change of leadership since I last wrote... meet Premier Paula Cox!

Short in height but tall in stature and with faabulous dress sense, she is already making her mark having reshuffled and renamed most of the ministeries under her. And she talks a lot of sense, which of course helps if you're running a country, albeit a small one. Premier Cox was former part-time Minister of Finance under her predecessor, Premier Ewart Brown, whilst holding down a high-powered lawyer job at insurance giant, ACE. So she is busting through that glass ceiling in more ways than one! 


Sisters are doing it for themselves all over the island it seems.The latest Government statistics revealed that women are earning on average 1.4 percent more than men. Woohooo, let's here it for the girls!! Sadly, this has to be one of the few places in the world where that's the case.

Oktoberfest in Bermuda

And so we find ourselves in October... how did that happen?! I think my subconscious has been trying to keep me thinking it was still August, but having attended Bermuda's answer to the autumnal German beer festival, Oktoberfest, on Saturday, it was a fact that could escape me no more.


So how did Oktoberfest in Snorkel Park compare to the real thing? Well, as I've never experienced the authentic Bavarian deal, I can only imagine. But yes, there was plenty of Heineken (the bartender wouldn't accept that this isn't a German beer!), a few bratwursts, some sauerkraut and drinking games involving hammers and logs, however the event was set against the Atlantic horizon, so there was also beach volleyball, pedalos, palm trees and a few gallons of rum. The end result was a little more Club Tropicana than Bar Munich but hey Fun and Sunshine... there was enough for everyone!

So on a wider level, what is October in Bermuda like? Well, contrary to popular belief, Bermuda is not an all-year-round tropical destination so it means the end of summer :""""-( The evenings are drawing in, my after-work ocean swims came to an end a few weeks ago and my cardigan collection is getting an airing again. Although it never really drops below 60 degrees, it feels MUCH colder because of the constant humidity and there's no central heating in these parts.


It also means the start of running race season. Despite the island's high obesity rate, Bermuda has a incredibly active and popular road race calendar. Last weekend was the annual PartnerRe Women's 5K, one of the biggest races, with somewhere near 1,000 competitors this year across the day's events. I took part again this year and learnt that Autumn was not quite upon us. It was 78 degrees. This means you not only sweat buckets but the sweat is not evaporated because of the still very high humidity = face like a bubbling cauldron. It's a challenge. I'm hoping that my acclimatisation to these conditions will turn my tortoise pace into a hare's when I return to UK shores. Next in my sights is the Bacardi 8k (interesting sponsorship choice that one but then again maybe a quick pre-race Dark 'N' Stormy would act as rocket fuel for my performance!).


On a much more tragic note, October so far has also seen two fatal motorbike accidents in just 11 days and the tenth road fatality this year. Both 31 year-old, Earlston Kavon Bailey Smith, and 22 year old, Adam Goodwin died in the early hours of the morning. Back in July, the Road Safety Council called for more sophisticated data collection and analysis after traffic accidents. I'd be interested to know how seriously this point was taken. We are told there have been reductions in traffic accidents in recent months and I'm sure the recent ban of cell phone usage while driving will help but there is no escaping the fact that only last year, Bermuda's road death rate was the second highest in the Hemisphere, dwarfing every other Caribbean island. And that's with, what has to be, one of the lowest national speed limits in the world at 35 KPH. Something doesn't quite add up...