I've got rock fever, get me out of here!!

Now people, it's time to introduce you to a fact of life about living on a VERY small island... occasionally you feel an overwhelming desire to get the rock off of it, even just for a few days and a brief change of scenery from these 21 square miles.

This common syndrome is known to locals and expats alike as "Rock Fever." Typically it sets in after 6-12 weeks of triangle dwelling (depending on your strength of character, immune system and degree of sanity). Symptoms include: loss of appetite for sushi, the sense that one more dark N stormy may be your last and lack of interest in laying on a really nice beach for a few hours. Generally speaking, it's when island life and it's idiosyncrasies stop becoming endearing and start becoming downright annoying. Even the most saint-like and non-violent amongst us just feel like they want to punch one of those really annoying cruise passengers right in the fanny pack for clogging up the pavements when they stop to marvel at every single red letter box.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've come down with a severe case of cabin fever. I've noticed the change in my behaviour and have stopped counting the number of times I've been on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs "Does nothing work outside of London"??????? But instead, I've carried on with my usual decorum and British stiff upper lip. I'm sucking it up, safe in the knowledge that there is a plane ticket outta here with my name on it departing this weekend for seven whole days of vay-kay! Hola!!

I have selected Montreal for my next off-island adventure as feeling starved of European culture and it's as good as it get this side of the Atlantic.

My biggest gripe when I'm in this mood is the level of customer service offered in the majority of places on the island. Although at home, it was pretty annoying to feel like you were being cross/up sold at every opportunity and asked for your feedback each time you say just hi to a customer service assistant on how you felt the interaction went, but it's true -- you don't know what you've got till it's gone!! In hindsight it is far more infuriating to be handled with no customer care at all.

So here's this month's top three customer service horror stories...

3) The Perot Post Office. Granted it's historic and a very pretty little place to visit, complete with ink wells and original wooden features but I think the notion that the customer is king left the building when there was still a king on the throne in England. Queuing out the door to buy a stamp in this place has you wondering whether you should just send a naff e-card and risk your repetition for good taste after all. When you get to the counter, you then suffer the pain of waiting for the women behind the desk to get a grip on both the envelope and the stamp at the same time with her newly applied fake talons complete with nail art. And you'll need the help of the queen to step off the stamp and apologise on your behalf if you dare to try to place any coins directly into your server's hand rather than in the dish marked "Change in here ONLY." Truly second class service.

2) The Bermuda Book Store. Now when I go away I like to have a guide book in advance as I'm a bit of an itinerary geek but for the first time EVER I am going without. THREE whole weeks ago I ordered my guide book and was informed it would take 7-10 days to arrive. Ok, I thought I am on an island and I've waited longer for Amazon on occasion if it's out of stock. They took my number, very helpful, if only it was used. On day 9 I stopped by on my way past to see if it was here yet. Nope, another few days when the next shipment reaches the triangle. Well ok, a couple less days to obsess about where to eat on the first night. On day 13 I call in as now it's not leaving me with much time to pull together a bare bones itinerary. I am faced with a guy who looks mysteriously around him at the shelves of books: "yes we did have a shipment in so it should be here by now." Might be nice if you'd checked and let me know like you said you would, no?! So he checks the order: "opps sorry it won't be in till the 30th now." After telling him I get back from my trip on the 30th and highlighting the fact it's a guide book for my destination... "so do you wanna cancel then?", erm... D'ya think?!! But really, I'm interested, if you were in my shoes, what would you do??

1) Wheels cycle repairs. Without a doubt the winner of the "McFly, is there anybody home?!" award for blatent disregard of the customer. It's that time of the year again to re-licence my semi-trusted steed so I decide to get a service done. She's no Mercedes Benz but some rough edges need smoothing. I get a quote for $200 and ask to be updated if it's going to be much more as the damn bike is only worth $500 at a push. I call for an update the next day, we're at $285, not the end of the world. Ok, fine, I'll pick here up tomorrow. In I go, all smiles to be seeing my girl again in better health. That'll be $585 - WTF!! We go through the itemised bill and I'm informed all the work needed doing and I agree she's looking slick with a new leather seat and the cheeky wink of the gas gauge is back. I make peace with it till less that a mile down de road we break down. Now it's me who is steaming. I'm straight on the phone to explain calmly what happened. "Ohhhh, do you want to park it somewhere where it is easier for us to pick up and drop the keys back in." Urm not really. But I do. Having waited five minutes for a customer to be served, I'm just asked: "are you just dropping off the keys?" Yes any ideas where I stick them. I won't bore you with the rest but hereafter follows two days of picking the bike up twice and repeatedly calling for an update. We are back in business, although I'm not convinced that she is not in worse shape then when I was still $585 richer. Worst of all I had to beg for an apology and when asking for compensation I was told: "I'd like to, but I can't." Words fail me.

This all comes down to the lack of competition on this island. Bad service does not equal not getting paid like it does at home so no comeuppance also means not an ounce of remorse.

So feeling much better after that raaaaaant. I leave you with this story about how it has taken the Government ten years to draw up a bus timetable, even with the help of an external consultant, and they till haven't quite cracked it yet. If this was the Crystal Maze rather than the Bermuda Triangle, a more-than-fair automatic lock-in for this task would have been a year. Yup, it's definitely time for a wee break from paradise and, for the PR person who suggested a smiling handshake shot for this announcement, maybe a permanent career break!!

See you in June when I'm hopefully in a better mood ;-)

Making waves in more ways than one

Making waves last week was a 4.4 magnitude earthquake, 50 miles off the coast of Bermuda. Actually, in reality, it was more of a ripple, but bread rolls did fall off the shelf at a local supermarket! Thanks Bermuda Sun for the photographic evidence to share...

Although in comparison to other natural disasters that have rocked the world of late this was a definite non-event, it did get people asking questions about whether Bermuda could experience a devastating Tsunami in the future. I don't like our chances having seen the footage from Japan and given the damage there as we are a mere blip on the radar.

Apparently the chances of a mega-quake here are slim to none but a Harvard University expert provided some clarity in a Bermuda Sun interview: “In terms of tsunami risk there is some risk as Bermuda is close to the Caribbean subduction zone. An earthquake in 1918 in Puerto Rico caused a tsunami which reached Bermuda two hours later.That gap provides some time for evacuation which should be a comfort.The size of the tsunami would depend on a lot of factors. Bermuda also has shallow water — but nothing like the continental shelf — which can cause the wave to rise up.The risk in Bermuda compared to seismically active areas is a lot lower because you don’t have a source nearby. One advantage is also that you are going to have some time to evacuate.The risk is lower than around the Pacific but it is not zero.” So, it's not quite time to pack my bags and head for a larger land mass just yet.

Also making waves, this time overseas rather than on them, is the great Gosling's rum. Awareness of this fine spirit rose significantly away from home following a feature in Fortune magazine this month. This local beverage of choice is now being shipped as far as Shanghai and Sydney and last year sold 83,000 cases of rum. I definitely know of a number of UK home drinks cabinets that now stock it, thanks to yours truly and my personal campaign of passion for the Black Seal. However fear not Bermudians, the secret of this masterpiece of rum blending to still relatively safe. Mr. Gosling from Gosling's told The Royal Gazette: "We’re not going to be a million-case brand. We want to grow in a controlled fashion. We don’t want to do anything that would sacrifice the quality of the product." Part of protecting its integrity and heritage was the company's move to brand the Dark N Stormy. 

I would argue however that more in need of protection (from themselves) over the long Easter weekend is the Dark N Stormy fans. Particularly after the first infamous Booze Cruise of the 2011 season. It's a simple concept... pay $60, all in the name of charidee of course for some sports team, board a boat for four hours and drink till you can drink no more. For many of us Good Friday became Bad Friday as we struggled through with storm force waves of nausea, celebrating our own resurrection for the weekend come Saturday morning. The expat fam makes up for the distance between them and blood relatives with what can only be described as the utmost unity and mutual appreciation as they disembark from a booze cruise. Joined not by blood lines but by arms draped around each other, friends and strangers, wearing the uniform of drink stains and the sweet smile of survival. 

Waves of dissatisfaction are crashing on these shores from a TripAdvisor.com review of the island posted in 2009. It's pretty damning. I will supply one quote and a link to the full post, simply because I cannot bear to give space to someone dissing my island on this blog!!! Luckily Bermuda Department of Tourism have come to TEAM BDA's defence. "Bermuda is a nasty rotten stinkhole" apparently. Bermuda is beautiful. Fact. Waves of anger!!!!!

Meanwhile, not making as many waves this weekend were the local ferries, which serve the smaller stops around Hamilton Harbour. Not much riles my still waters but this seems like utter stupidity in the name of budget cuts and as I live in town it doesn't really impact me. But, if I did live out of time, this issue might just get me joining the ranks of the firey Bermudians to let off some steam in a letter to editor or call to a talk show. Bermuda isn't the easiest place to get around as it is. Tourists can't hire cars, buses stop fairly early in the evening and taxis are an expensive luxury. The Government ain't backing down though. Last word was that it was now up to entrepreneurs to step up and save the day. Let's hope these mysterious ferry business people are waiting in the wings, ready to do the hero bit.

I really feel for the owners of the smattering of guesthouses that line Harbour Road. Especially, the lovely Greenbanks - my first home on this island. I wasn't sitting on the fortune required to stay in a hotel while I found a more permanent home (and still am not for that matter!), so it was perfect, with a minute walk to a regularly served ferry stop and a idyllic 10 mins ferry ride into Hamilton. With next to no ferries, I would have to have thought twice before staying there and no doubt others now will be doing just that. Not such a great brainwave hey, especially in times like these!

Bermudian Beauty & the Beholder

I've boasted of the extreme beauty of Bermuda's beaches more than once, so now it's time to look at other aesthetically pleasing aspects of the island. 


In the last couple of weeks, there's been a lot of interest in the beauty of Bermuda's people. A good place to start is with the future face of the island, the upcoming Miss Bermuda pageant. The infamous swimsuit photo suit took place this week, so for once all eyes weren't on those rolling pink sands and the curve of the aqua ocean at Elbow Beach. The star attraction was the rolling curves of the bikini-clad body beautiful.

This, some might say, old-fashioned competition definitely speaks to Bermuda's nostalgic old-skoolism. There seems a constant desire to return to days of holiday camp tourism. No doubt because this was when Bermuda was in it's hey day, not the comparative sad story it tells now of ever-decreasing hotel beds and new development that never quite seem to come to fruition. 


Beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder, which seems to be the thinking behind the Department of Tourism's latest ruse to lure people to this shore - a tell-a-friend loyalty scheme. The "Feel the Love" campaign launched last week promising financial rewards for those who encourage others to visit. Although I won't be giving up the day job just yet as you need to recruit 15 tourists to get off the starting block for cash back of $25 a head.


To remind us that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes is the Miss Big & Beautiful, also coming up soon.  This competition has attracted a storm of controversy and derogatory comments as ever. A lot of people question whether it's the right thing to do on an island struggling with obesity, one of the world's highest diabetes statistics and ever-increasing health insurance premiums partially resulting from unhealthy lifestyles. Then again, this response can be considered out-dated. The rest of the world has gradually cottoned on to the notion that a size 14 ain't that unusual and doesn't automatically mean unhealthy. So enough of the KFC Sponsorship deal jokes already!!

In other beauty news, Bermudian, Deandra Brangman, was crowned the winner of a professional model search in London last week. Previous winners have gone taken to the catwalks of the world's major fashion shows so Deandra could put Bermuda firmly on the beauty map.

If guys are more your thang then there's been plenty to look at on that front recently too. Yes, it's Bermuda Shorts season again as summer corporate dress codes kick in, and those hairy legs and nobly knees are once again out in all their glory. 


The prize for working the national look the best definitely goes to the boyz at The Fairmont Hamilton Princess. I leave you to feast your eyes these...

Bed bugs and beyond begone in Bermuda

Strange things happen in the triangle and they don't get much stranger than Friday night...

So I was out with the Fraggle Rock royalty and a colleague at The Fairmont Hamilton Princess happy hour. We were debating burning issues such as why would Miss Piggy go for Kermit the Frog with those skinny legs, whether Bert and Ernie really were gay and which in fact is the hottest muppet (we went for the Count with his sexy accent and mysterious cape), when we were joined in the conversation by a Canadian tourist. I believe he came along to help us out with another conundrum - is Transylvania a real place? Yes fact finders, it is indeed a region of Romania. Anyhoo, we were asking the usual questions, where d'you come from? What do you do? When we rather excitedly discovered that he was in Bermuda following a meeting with the U.S. Government in Washington D.C. as he had just developed a bio-pesticide that killed bed bugs. Given the magnitude of this issue in the States, this was big news!! And 'Long tails & Bermuda shorts' readers, you saw it here first, the photographic evidence...

Exhibit A - Bed buds, clearly VERY dead.

We took our new friend to sample the delights of Front Street. But I have to say I wasn't all that proud. No wonder the island has such a dwindling tourist industry when this is the image it presents - a heavy armed police presence, metal detection scanners on entry to a night club and a reminder from the DJ that smoking Cannabis was not permitted after a hash cloud filled the club. Oh dear.

For a few moments I felt like the police were after me as they were everywhere we were - for a variety of sins, e.g. bad jokes, poor grasp of the French language, consuming a bottle of Perrier not bought on the premises, etc. It could have been anything but it became painfully apparent that they had another target in their sights. They even had the Police Commissioner, Mike DeSilva, doing a search of Moon nightclub so it must have been serious. There were rumours that someone was stabbed circulating but the media has not since verified this so not entirely sure what was going down.

Things have been tense anyway since a 16-year-old boy was gunned down in the street last week. A popular  comedy club on Front Street even closed its doors as a direct reaction to the unrelenting gang violence as the owner was concerned about the gangster clientele it was attracting. Shame there isn't a bio-pesticide to get rid of this vermin!!

'Long tails & Bermuda shorts' has come full circle. With this post, I mark its anniversary, and the very first post (and many since) have charted the growing gun crime on this paradise island. Such a crying shame.

On a lighter note, I would like to dedicate this post to the handful of fans (that aren't my friends who are obliged to flatter my ego!!) that have been kind enough to write to me with their positive feedback. To Sal in Dublin, Dawn in rural Dublin, Ted in Sydney, Oman Collective Agency and Kym in New York - thank you for proving that blogs do get read by people you don't know and inspiring me to keep waffling on...

Against 'da tide

New artwork was unveiled this week on Front Street, which aptly summed up the mood of the times. Bill Ming's "Against 'da tide" depicts men in a boat pulling together against the roaring waves. In the words of the artist, it is supposed to represent the fact that "We are all in the same boat, striving, trying to make it together."

There has been a couple of bits of news this week representing the changing of the tides and a need to stick together. It is starting to truly hit home that Bermuda is not going to escape the global downturn as it looked like it might. Up till now, it seems to have escaped relatively unscathed.

Maybe not if you ask a local. There is still nostalgia about the island's heyday of tourism and economic boom being behind us, but speaking from the voice of some experience of just how bad things were in London when the credit crunch crunched, it hasn't been that bad. Yes shops have shut, there's been a handful of redundancies and homeowners and small businesses have felt the pinch, but then no one was throwing themselves from office blocks on Front Street and people are still sipping lavish cocktails and dining out. I remember the Big Smoke being like a ghost town in Autumn 2008 as the realisation of what lay ahead became all-consuming and people just stopped going out. Bars, restaurants and shops closed down and Tesco's starting raking it from all the stay at home revellers turning to a six-pack of beers and frozen pizza for a good time.

Times are however a-changing. The Friday night scene continues to buzz unabated and there's even been a few major bar and restaurant renovations in recent months (Flanagan's, Frescos, Indigo), as well as some entirely new faces. Flying Fish, I salute you, fantastic food and atmosphere. Never before have I had my shrimps and scallops flambeed in Pernod and dusted in paprika but I'd certainly go there again. I was drooling over the table cloth when it was right there in front of me and my saliva production is on the up again just thinking about it. Anyway... I digress... back to how bad things are getting here!!

Scallops and sparkling wine aside, there was a painful reminder that the recession isn't receding this week when 25 people got the chop from Butterfield Bank. Although not a total shocking following the over $200 million losses reported by the local bank last month, it was still nudge and a wink to many that all is not rosy and pink in paradise.

Perhaps even more worrying was the revelation that 1,000 customers have had their electricity cut by local energy supplier BELCO this year due to unpaid bills. And as many as 250 in one day faced life without power. That's a pretty significant percentage of BELCO's 36,000 customers, facing such financial hardship they can't pay their energy bills. It'll come as no surprise when I say that energy is expensive here. I live in a house share of three and bearing in mind there is no central heating in Bermuda and we are out most of the day in full-time jobs, we still have a hefty $400 to pay a month. This is something I think the Government needs to get a grip on before the cost of running A/C in the summer makes things even worse. Ironically the news of the cuts on Bernews.com was accompanied on the same page with an ad that read "BELCO...empowering Bermuda." Maybe time for a rebrand!

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel of a depressing week as some of the seasonal eateries re-open this week for summer and Fairmont Hamilton's happy hour kicked off again. Let's hope it's happy ever after...

Moooovies, Muppets, Puppets and Shakers...

I've been rather preoccupied over the last ten days, so forgive ANOTHER short break in posts, but we have just wrapped the annual Bermuda International Film Festival and it's taken up a lot of my head space since I volunteered to be PR Director back in January. My, my, what a challenge, particularly with a full-time job, but loved every nano second!!


Not only have I been busy with the press releases, Facebook posts and tweets but it's also taken up a lot of my free time this week as I managed to catch a lot of films and I've certainly had my mind expanded. Saw my first subtitled firm, my first shorts, a very interesting documentary about the racial undertones of the post-Hurricane Katrina elections in New Orleans, a great film directed by David Schwimmer from Friends and my first ever sex scene involving a dead body. All very enlightening and now I'm a total convert, not to Necrophilia I hasten to add, but to this whole indie film scene. 


As a fellow Brit expat in Bermuda bloggers writes in "Dog or Affair", it is not till you are starved of culture, that when you get offered a smidgen you star jump on it from a great height. I lived in London for nearly four years and when you are spoilt for choice, you barely notice culture in a crowded room. I worked on the same road as the theatre where Phantom of the Opera played for over a year and still I've never seen this West End classic (although I have seen the film and know all the words to all the songs of course). My taste in film has always been very mainstream but I now definitely see the value in catching a movie on the road less travelled. 


And it's not just the films, BIFF brought some fascinating people to Bermuda and some of the fascinating people already here, out of the cedar woodwork. The jurors for the competition features alone were an interesting bunch including Oscar-winning producer Hans de Weers (Antonia’s Line, Best Foreign Language Film, 1996) and screenwriter Larry Gross (48 Hours, Streets of Fire, Another 48 Hours and Geronimo). Then I was attending one of the post-film social events and I was introduced to Whitney Kimmel from the jury, an entertainment and awards publicist from L.A. who has represented The King's Speech, Buitiful, and Precious, to name a few, as our introducer said "we do the same thing." Now this was a huge compliment for me but for her I imagine not so much. I PR insurance, cable TV and financial planning; she PRs Colin Firth and Javier Bardem. Some people have all the luck!! 


But as I sat hearing about the time she met Tom Cruise, on the other side of me, a new good friend of mine who I've been working alongside for weeks happens to mention she is daughter of the co-creator of the mighty Fraggle Rock, Michael Frith. HOLD THE PHONE, MAKE LIKE TOM & CRUISE. Now this is cool!! He was also editor of the Sesame Street book series and was employed by Jim Henson as a creative consultant for The Muppet Show and Muppet Babies. And I learned something I never knew, the Rock setting in Fraggle Rock is inspired by Bermuda's Crystal Caves. As a HUGE Sesame St./Muppets fan, this was bigger news than any Hollywood star sighting. As a youngster I used to turn down offers to go out and play because I wanted to stay home in my Burt & Ernie slippers to watch the latest happenings from the Street and learn the alphabet/how to count along the way :-)





And if that wasn't enough exciting and wonderful randomness for one week, this is the moment when Star Wars met Stargate at our private filmmakers' dinner on Sunday night...

On the left is Kathy Mullen, a puppeteer whose accomplishments including working with Yoda in Star Wars: The Empire Strike Back. On the right is actor, Peter Williams, from BIFF Jury, who played arch-nemesis Apophis in the internationally syndicated sci-fi series Stargate SG-1 for five seasons. 


David Poland from BIFF's international advisory panel members was also in town for the festival.He is editor-in-chief of www.moviecitynews.com and for his online feature DP/30 he has interviewed huge names in the world of film including most recently Jeff Bridges, Natalie Portman and Sofia Coppola. Also in Bermuda for BIFF 2011 was Peter Rainer, a veteran broadcast who only this week wrote a glowing tribute to Elizabeth Taylor for Bloomberg.com.


I think that's enough name dropping for one post so I leave with the presentation of an Oscar Award for Best Headline of the Week to Bermuda Sun for a story about a floating farm of 1,500 cows arriving in Bermuda: "Cattle moo-ve across Atlantic to Bermuda" 


That's all for now moooovie fans :-)

Angloviles

So I, the lone Brit, was out for dinner with a bunch of Canadians on Friday night (not that unusual a scenario in this expat melting pot) when one gave the reason for not wanting to step foot in a particular ski resort: "agh, no way, too many Brits." Far from being insulted, that's just not me, I was intrigued. What's not too love? There's plenty I miss about my own people, the apologising for everything, self-deprecating humour, underselling one's self, the willingness to queue, sharp wit. So why they hatin' on us??

Then it dawned on me as I sat in front of the tele and saw the trailer for "William & Kate: the movie" Yikes!



This is why and the actors aren't even British! The scene of Kate crying in the bath about her relationship is akin to a scene from Bridget Jones. No wonder British women have a bad name.

No matter where you're from you're likely to think that your country is centre of the universe. This is particularly true if your from the U.K., with the arrogance of the British Empire rule still prevailing in our  subconsciousness. However, I can probably count on one hand the number of Brits I've seen in the media here on my ten digits. William & Kate on E! and Piers Morgan with his new chat show on CNN, Kate Winslet and Hugh Grant somewhere, all perpetuating the stereotype of middle/upper class old skoolism.

Then you have a handle of Brits that may just as well be American as they've been so Americanised, making you wonder why they even hired a Brit in the first place. Cat Deeley on Dancing with the Stars for one. I nearly choked on my tea-dunked hobnob when I caught sight of Vernon Kay presenting on U.S. TV What the hell is that accent all about?? It's not Barnsley that's fo shizzle. The Beckhams, though not true Brits through and through anymore, are at least projecting a positive image in the sports and fashion arenas. The likes of Jamie Oliver, Ricky Gervais and Gordon Ramsey are keeping it real but still giving legs to the cockney wide boy stereotype.

It's not till you live outside of the UK that you realise how little of British culture makes it to the mid-Atlantic, let alone all the way across the pond. Mention the mighty Take That to any non-Brit and you are met with crossed-eyes and confusion. Such a shame for this fine specimen of Anglo talent to be unknown, while, bogglingly, Natasha Bedingfield has somehow exceeded any fame she had in her home country over in the States. Although thank god Craig David and Blue never really made it big in the U.S. of A.

I do revel in our supposed sensibilities and stiff upper lip though. One of my American friend's husbands happened to, god forbid, swear in front of me and my English buddy. He got a brisk slap on the arm: "Don't talk like that in front of these guys, they are Brrrrritish!" I guess I should thank my beautiful country for exposing me to so little cursing before, it's usually drowned out by all the clay pigeon shooting, the barking foxhounds, the brass band, the clang of the dinner gong and the whistling of the kettle for another pot of tea.

Luckily, Prince Edward and Sophie Wessex land in Bermuda tomorrow to present the Duke of Edinburgh Awards so the English stereotype will get redressed then. Ho ho ho.