Dischristmasnation

So it's December 19 and no doubt elsewhere in the world where there's snow, or at least a chill in the air, it feels like Christmas already. With a week to go, still not feeling it here in the triangle yet. I've been to a ton of xmas parties, seen a zillion trees and Hamilton has been lit up in all its glory for weeks but still nada. So rather than get too concerned I've decided to let my Christmas spirit do it's own thing (it'll come to the party eventually) and not succumb to silly season brain mush just yet. While the rest of the planet ponders over light issues, such as whether X Factor was justly won, which is the best track from the Bieber Christmas album and how many baubles are too many on the tree, I'm keeping it real with a dissection of a heavy issue in this post... discrimination. 


Firstly, the fact that here in Bermuda, which was considered part of the developed world (last time I looked), discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation is legal. A few weeks back an ad in The Royal Gazette for “Wanted: homosexual house cleaner (heterosexuals need not apply)” caught my eye. This seemed a little strange but all was revealed when a human rights campaigner came forward to claim authorship, trying to make a point about how backward it was that sexual orientation has not yet been added to the Human Rights Act. This is despite years of protests and claims from the Government that it would be looked at. 


This ludicrous situation was highlighted by legislation aimed at protecting the rights of disabled people in the workplace coming into effect at the beginning of December. Reading this in the news, I was surprised that this wasn't the case years ago. The same could be said for proposal the Government made in November to outlaw age discrimination. It's seems crazy that this isn't already a done deal as it is in the UK. 


News this week demonstrating that you really can't judge a book by it's publishing date was the completion of the Everest Marathon by 70-year-old Bermudian, Giorgio Zanol. He became the first ever septuagenarian to do so as the cut off age is normally 65 due to the intense pressure of this event on the body, but Giorgio jumped through all the hoops to run the race. This is an impressive feat at any age, but poor Giorgio's 40-year-old son, Marco, went along for the ride and sadly had his achievement overshadowed somewhat by his father's performance. 

Rather upsettingly it appears that discrimination is rife on the island, and not just among humans. Carrots are suffering too. In a move that mirrors the toughening of work permits to ensure that skilled local people are given preference over guest workers from overseas in recruitment process, the embargo on foreign carrots has become more strict. The ban on imported carrots, unless insufficient Bermudian carrots are available, was put in place to protect local farmers. Don't get me wrong, Bermuda carrots are delicious, sweet, with a delightful texture. However, it has to be said, they're not the best looking in the world. In the main they are short, disfigured and nobly. As there are no laws in place on discriminating on the basis of looks, I shall voice this opinion freely without fear of retribution. I happen to believe that there is enough room on this island for carrots of all races. I, for one, would certainly appreciate a good looking baby carrot to accompany my turkey on Christmas day. Bah humbug!

Third party power of endoresments

The power of the third party endorsement lies at the heart of PR. If something is good, don't say it yourself, get someone else to, and preferably a journalist. Now, I'm going to let you into an a little industry secret... very few of these so-called independent points of view are genuine, or at least uncoerced. Very often, a journalist's opinion has been moulded by a press release, particularly in the short-staffed newsrooms of the credit crunched media when there isn't time to source and research a story from scratch. Then's there's the happy customer quote, what we in the business like to call the "case study," to superglue a stamp of approval on your product, service, policy, political agenda. 


But Bermuda succeeded the minor miracle last week of securing, not one, but two of these golden nuggets.


Firstly, there is a video masterpiece, "Trip of a Lifetime," currently going viral. It features superb footage of the young and the restless and the beautiful cliff diving, or 'falling of the rock' as they term it, set against a fabulously cool soundtrack. It certainly has the pull factor making you want to get on a plane and find this place of dramatic backdrops, tangerine and lilac sunsets and brilliantly bright beaches. It did it to me and I'm already here! In less than a week it's generated over 70,000 hits and a little controversy, as a Bermudian father of four died performing this very same pursuit this summer. 

All things considered, the video is however proving popular and begging the question why don't tourism use this organically grown ingredient in its mass visitor cultivation campaign.


Then it was more "pwoar" than "fore" when golf pro, Darren Clarke, clapped eyes on the island while competing in last week's PGA Grand Slam of Golf at Bermuda's Port Royal course last week. He cancelled his Europe golf plans, deciding, in the words of Mark Twain, "I'd rather stay in Bermuda."


The positive effects of a stay in Bermuda for another celebrity were also highlighted recently by news that Masterworks Museum of Art is due to stage a memorial for the works of John Lennon, whose visit to the island in 1980 inspired his albums "Double Fantasy" and "Milk and Honey."A little known fact, or at least one that I was unaware of until last week, and it's my favourite Lennon song, was that his hit "Woman" was actually written in Bermuda. As reported on Bernews.com, the former Beatle said an interview: “The song ‘Woman’ came about because, one sunny afternoon in Bermuda, it suddenly hit me what women do for us. Not just what my Yoko does for me, although I was thinking in those personal terms … but any truth is universal."


The demo tapes recorded in Bermuda are available on YouTube. As Lennon was murdered just weeks after the release of "Double Fantasy," this Bermuda vacay strikes me as an important part of music history that seems to little-known. 

This was all followed by news released on Friday about the Government's plans for a $200,000 National Tourism Plan. Since January the Tourism Department has been working hard on set of "strategic imperatives." Might one suggest a tad less naval gazing and a little more seeing what is right in front of your eyes. In times like these, when resources are limited, the old fashion adage about the importance of working with what you've got rings true. Why spend a fortune on cosmetic surgery when you could play to the strengths that are landing in your lap. Encourage more extreme sports tourism using the viral as as a springboard, launch a series of golf AND relaxation packages and use the superb tourism generating model provided by Gracelands to turn Villa Undercliffe in Bermuda, where Lennon wrote his final albums, into a pilgrimage paradise. Or at least start selling the Bermuda emblazoned t-shirt that Lennon wore as a collectible!

John and Sean overlooking Spanish Point. Who knows what Lennon could have done for Bermuda tourism if he stayed alive long enough to talk about his experiences of the island...

Life's a lottery, even for Golddiggers!

Following the news in the last couple of weeks of over 120 redundancies in Bermuda (Bacardi -13, Citi Hedge Fund Services - 105, Bermuda Motors - 5), some revelations from a visit of the UK's Minister for Overseas Territories, Henry Bellingham, to the island, AKA our new BFF (Best Friend Forever), were very welcome.

Mr. Bellingham, or "Hen" as he is fondly known to us offshore offspring, had some really nice things to say about Bermuda, which we hope is not just lip service because he wants to hold our hand. He said that we could be a model for other Overseas Territories and that if anyone dared called us a "Tax Haven" in the playground rather than our proper name of "low-tax jurisdiction" then their ass is grass! I'm paraphrasing obviously.

Hen's visit came as the UK Government starts work on a new White Paper on the Overseas Territories.
One particularly interesting proposal that may feature in the report is that good causes in the OTs could start to benefit from funds raised by the UK National Lottery, which brings in a whopping $44 million a week. As a Brit living in BDA I can see this idea from both sides of the Atlantic and I have to say I don't think it's one of the best. Yes, that's a lot of money that could be shared across all corners of the UK - even the bits that aren't physically attached, but given the state of the UK's bank account, I'm sure that money, even ten-fold the money, could easily be spent on shore. Yes Bermuda has it's own challenges presented by the global economic meltdown but it is still pretty wealthy, home to the uber rich and the living is, comparatively, easy. And if it's not then you are probably less inclined to drown yourself at Elbow Beach than in the Thames, lets face it.

But even if this little windfall doesn't come off, there is hope for the Bermuda piggy bank yet. Britannia may rule Bermuda but Bermuda rules the waves apparently. Explorer Nick Hutchings is convinced that all that lies glittering at the bottom of the ocean is gold.

He is busy photographing the ocean floor around the island in the hope of confirming that rumours of 'yellow magnetic veins' than began with a submarine trip in the 80s are in fact true. As well as gold digging, he is also investigating whether the seas off Bermuda are home to black stalagmites that produce gold and copper ore or other valuable metal-rich rock that could be sold off a $40-275 for a ton of crust. Nick - if you need any help, I have my PADI certificate!!

The Mile Wide Club

There has been much future-gazing and debate in recent weeks about how to get more peeps to the Bermuda hood to spend their big bucks and in doing so secure its, wait for it, the byword of late, sustainability. So we're talking cruise ships and air travel.

Firstly, a study of Bermuda's shipping channels has brought the matter of how to cater to ever-expanding  cruise ships to the fore. Sadly, unlike those perfectly round desert island you get in children's stories, Bermuda has all sorts of curves and corners (plenty of junk in its trunk you might say) to navigate in order to bring a ship into dock. The island started its life as a volcano and so actually consists over over 200 islands, although I imagine some are mere dots in the ocean. The report speculates that in order to accommodate the cruise ships of the future, a 70-metre wide by 10-metre deep channel, known as Town Cut, that ships use to access the historic town of St.George's in the East would need to be widened through the elimination of at least three islands and a cost of around $70 million. The reason... St George's gets 100 times less visitors as it did 4 years, mainly due to issues of water access. Similar plans are underway to scope out increasing the size of channels into the island's capital, Hamilton.

When reports like this come out it is easy to get carried away in thinking, well this is the only option and a must-do to save Bermuda's tourism trade from extinction. However, an examination of the bigger picture, reveals that as cruise passengers spend an average of $210 each according to Government figures, far less than the average hotel nightly room rate,so attracting hotel guests will have a much bigger economic impact. Therefore increasing the ease of passage to the island by air should be the focus of everyone's attention.

This conclusion hasn't been overlooked. The Government is busy drawing up a National Tourism Plan and as part of those discussions the subject of air travel has been a key focus. The prospect of Bermuda having its own airline was even raised. Now this sounds a little crazy at first but when you consider that Air Jamaica and Cayman Air exist and have so far survived the downturn unlike other larger airlines then maybe it's not complete madness. Currently BA has the monopoly on direct flights from the UK and it's rumoured to be one of their most profitable routes. No big surprise as it has to be one of their most expensive routes relatively speaking by mileage. My bank account has definitely taken a few rather big hits for my trips home and I very rarely get visitors. Although maybe I'm kidding myself that it's on account of the air fare: -(

I already have a powerful vision of what shape BDAAIR could take and maybe much of my inspiration comes from the spirit of Venga Airways from the classic "We're going to Ibiza" 90s tuuune. My feeling is that boarding the airline should give you island flavour from the moment you step on board. I'm picturing stewards in Bermuda shorts, a welcome Dark n Stormy, menus featuring fish chowder, local fish entrees and rum cake for afters! Yum! Maybe even a live set from Will Black in the first class lounge. You'd barely even notice the 7 hours go by, you'd be having so much of a good time. Rather like a night on Front Street before you even land. Somehow it's 3.30am, you're in Cafe Cairo and no idea how you got there... but that's another story for another blog post!!

However, even with the best airline in the world, it still matters what's on offer when you arrive. I've been seeing the island through a tourist's eyes over the last few weeks. It's that time of year again when a few friends' work contracts have come to end. I won't dwell on that as it's still a little raw :-( Looking on the bright side, I have got to be part of a number of 'bucket list' expeditions as deserters tick the boxes on their 'things to do before you leave' lists.

One such adventure led me to join a horse riding trail along the beaches with Spicelands one morning just before popping off to the office for the average working day. We were joined by some tourists from New Jersey and talking to them en route highlighted issues that most tourists are likely to face. They found a lack of up-to-date information about what to do on the island before they arrived and then difficulties with logistics when they did work out what they wanted to do.

Admittedly booking a horse ride was not as easy as I'd anticipated. You have to know what you want in order to get it (like so many things in life, sadly). We wanted to ride on the beaches but in peak season you can only do that at 7am but I only know that from word of mouth rather than any information I found and certainly not straight from the horse's mouth - although that would make life a lot easier! Then there was the issue of finding the stable. I must have gone past them hundreds of times on my travels but when you are trying to find the place before sunrise, you're still half asleep and neon signs that you can actually see are a no-no, it all becomes a little complicated. It's these finer details that stick in your mind as negatives when you are on holiday and your trying to make the most of every last second of freedom and instead you're bogged down in admin.

Yep, with holidays it's the whole package deal that counts, limiting the emotional excess baggage and getting value for money and a smile at every turn. I'm just hoping that the policymakers remember that before they overly concern themselves with digging deeper shipping channels when they should maybe try scratching just below the surface to create those magic moments dusted with sparkling customer service and a smidgeon of charisma. Come on Bermuda, show them why you rock and you're not just some random rock no one wants to visit...

To Labour or not to Labor...

In PR land, August is commonly known as 'silly season' due to the lack of hard news it generally generates. Here in Bermuda there's been plenty of silliness to populate the summer season but a surprising abundance of real news centring around a number of labour disputes. You can't blame a worker for picking this time of year when the weather is at its sweetest to wanna down tools.

Unfortunately it is also the time of year when the island is at its busiest with tourists, ready to be inconvenienced and put off for vacationing here for life. Not a great way to go in a struggling economy Bermuda!

There was an eight-week bus strike after drivers were up in arms by the sacking of a colleague who refused a drug test after an accident that injured a passenger. This rather shady grey matter is finally expected to be sorted through arbitration. Then came a strike notice from City of Hamilton workers disgruntled by the sacking of two colleagues. A ban on overtime for dockworkers as a cost-saving measure has led to delays in food shipments that come into Bermuda on Sundays reaching supermarket shelves and restaurants. As if the lettuce wasn't limp enough already! Then it was the prison workers threatening a strike over 'sub-human' conditions as they claim to face more dangerous criminals than ever before. With many of the island's working population off-island on vacay, it begged the question who was on the island and functioning last month. Would the last one to leave the island please turn off the light!!

As we hit the Labor Day holiday on Monday, September 5, most the disputes had reached some sort of resolution. Oh the irony, if they had continued over this U.S. celebration of the economic and social contributions of workers. However it wasn't all best foot forward towards as unions threatened to boycott this very day's festivities, marking the 30th year that the date has been observed in Bermuda. The unions felt it was "counterproductive” to participate in celebrations as they see International Workers’ Day on May 1 to be “the true Labour Day.” I've gone cross-eyed, isn't it counterproductive to strike about something so seemingly trivial in the first place?! Come on people, let's sit down and settle this over a nice tea break. 


All this silliness led me to make the most of the day off rather than spend it pounding the pavements with a placard. I went off to Chicago, which certainly lived up to expectations that it would be my kind of town. Skyscrapers, shopping, sunshine, Starbucks washed down with more than a few cheeky vinos, cosmos and slices of deep pan to the sounds of ja-aa-azzz. I learnt that Chicago is actually known as the 'windy city' for its political uncertainties as a swing state rather than the high winds off Lake Michigan as often assumed. 

Back on the island we're are in the full throngs of dealing with physical winds. We missed the lovely Irene on the way out by a mere few days, only to be greeted by the far too friendly Katia on our return. Luckily she turned out to have more pout than puff for this little island. Now Maria is hot on her heels this week, but it's too early to tell whether her she will strut her stuff this way and make a swing for us with an over-stuffed handbag. Nevertheless I'll be hurricane-force super-glued to the highly addictive www.stormpulse.com once again...

UK VayK

Just about recovered enough from my return from my UK vacation (a week ago!) to write a post. And I'm not even joking. When you live in a paradise far far from home, the whole idea of a holiday being all about a little R n R flies out of the plane window as soon as you take off. Time off becomes all about finding time (and somehow quality time) for ever person you want to see. And with ten days back in blighty, the longest period I've been home since I bumped off to Bermuda in April 2009, achieve it I did, but forsaking my health. Ever since I landed I've been plague by face ache, which, having been mis-self-diagnosed as sinusitis and following a surprise root canal today, seems to have at last subsided.

But alas I did have a faaaabulous time with faaaamily and friends in Newmarket, Cambridge, Nottingham and North, Central, South AND South West London town. It was my first British Summertime in three years and it did me proud with only one minor shower and plenty of pasty pins stalking around the place. I left the island in 90%+ humidity and torrential tropical downpour, so it was somewhat of a relief to experience summer not on steroids.

I was also pleasantly surprised by the upbeat spirit under UK skies. Relying only on the top line news that makes it across the pond, most of what I hear is doom and gloom about redundancies and interest rates, interspersed by the odd Royal wedding to lighten the mood. However, what I was warmly greeted with was a true sense of camaraderie and more union jacks flying high than I've seen in years. This perspective was helped along by my enjoyment of some thoroughly British pursuits - a spot of horse racing, watching some rowing from a pub garden, M&S underwear shopping, a BBQ in an English country garden, a picnic in a park, a drippy 99 complete with Flake, Soho, the Southbank, breakfast at the Wolseley and copious amounts of cider and Pimms on a sunny afternoon in Parsons Green to round it all off.

The atmosphere on the Southbank was particularly sparkly as for the Festival of Britain they had lined it with bunting and recreated the seaside with a few tonnes of sand and a fairground complete with helter skelter and candyfloss.

The only thing to dampen this summer splendour was the news of Amy Winehouse's death while I was in town. You either love her or hated her and loved her I did and my happy memories of catching her intimate Somerset House gig in 2008. But even that almost seemed like another symbol of the time of great excess lingering over from pre-credit crunch being put to rest to make room for this revival of Cool Britannia ignited by the countdown to the London 2012 Olympics.

That said, this account may have been slightly differently had my trip been scheduled a week later to coinicide with something entirely different being ignited all over London - riots. Nothing like a bit of anarchy as the archnemesis of the great and good in the land of hope and glory.

Everyone always asks me what I notice has changed after so long away and I have to say not much. What is always striking though is the amount of people that dissect the same place without colliding. Something you never notice till you spend most of your time on a relatively deserted island. When you are in the Big Smoke day in day out you develop some kind of inbuilt homing device to allow you to select the exact angle at which to cross a train station concourse and the conviction to stick to your chosen course no matter how big and burly the obstacles are that try to play "Chicken" with you along the way. The batteries in my own station survival SatNav are definitely dead. I couldn't count the times I said sorry for getting in people's way en route to my Gatwick Express train, it certainly wasn't the hardest word that morning.

One thing that is most definitely new is a piece of Turkish culture that has made its way to British shores - the fish pedicure. You may or may not be familiar with this concept but basically it is where you stick your feet and in a bucket  of water containing tiny fish that nibble away the dead skin from your weary soles. The fish pedicure was everywhere I went - Newmarket high street, a shopping centre in Cambridge, a spa in Elveden Forest in deepest Suffolk. Everywhere and totally unexpected.

On arrival back to the island's airport I was disappointed not to be greeted by the usual steel pan musician. Sunday must be his night off. So what's new in the triangle?? Well we've got our own skin eating water life it appears - Sea Lice!! The talk on the BDA streets was all about how the annual Non-Mariners festivities (basically a big excuse to blag your way onto a boat, raft up to other boats, float and drink) was marred by the arrival of an outbreak of jellyfish larvae that get caught up in swimwear and sting like a bi-atch. Not quite as relaxing as being gently nibbled and exfoliated but we don't like to be left out from overseas trends.

Another international craze that has finally made it here in recent weeks is Planking (the art of being photographed imitating a plank in unusual situations in case you didn't know). The best I've seen so far on zee island is the planking on the statue of national hero, Johnny Barnes...

The Chief of Police was less enamoured to see a off duty police officer outed for planking on a police vehicle. He quickly issued a statement along the lines that despite appearances the police were busy on the streets of Bermuda trying to keep the public safe.

No time for planking for the Police in London this week that's for sure. Sad, sad times.

Bermewjan language lessons

Leading on from last week's lesson in what it is to be Bermudian, this week I'm revealing the mysteries of how to talk like an onion (Bermudian). As you'd expect of something that comes from the Bermuda triangle, the local accent is indeed a mystery.

A regional dialect of the English accent, it has been described, according to Wikipedia, as "one of the most severely under researched varieties of English." Rarely heard outside of these 21 square miles, it is difficult to place to the untrained ear and almost impossible to mimic. I've tried, but then that doesn't really say much as my Welsh sounds like it's straight out of Mumbai.

I found this random clip of a Bermudian being interviewed on YouTube and I'd say this is fairly typical of the voice of these parts...

To try and put it into words, it falls somewhere between the British, American or Caribbean English dialects. It's key distinguishing features are the switching of the Vs and Ws, "wedding" becomes "vaddin" and "words" become "vurds." Vowels are elongated e.g. "Vhaaaat" (What??) or "voooman" (woman), the use of a and e sounds are interchangeable and the thinking word is "um um" instead of the British "eeerrmm."

Confused yet? Luckily a couple of helpful Bermudians brought out a Bermudian dictionary, "Bermewjan Vurds." See vhaaaat they did there?! Upon reading it, it is easy to see how a foreigner talking to Bermudian could become a little lost in the triangle.

Here's some of my favourites:

1) AX = Ask "Don't ax me, I don't know vhy it's like this, that's the vay it is"
2) BEER/BEAR "Polar beers are dangerous not chilled"/ "I'll have another bear, make it a coalwun"
3) Catcherself - "You bess catherself before it vreck yourself"
4) Chryl-up = impregnate (who said romance was dead?)
5) Dahn = not up
6) Dur = not hur
7) Lacks-tristity - pay your bills or you'll have to make do without lights and a/c
8) Maynayze - I challenge you to find a Bermudian's lunch order that doorsent include the vhite stuff
9) De Pawn = the Atlantic Ocean  "I'm gonna cross de pawn for my summer vacation"
10) Vanasdee = Wednesday

Got all dat gaarls and byes? Make you pant (gives you no mental respite) dawn it! I've said it before and I'll say it again, Bermewja really is another vuuurld...

Proud to be Bermudian

There's a song that, unsurprisingly, is getting a lot of airtime on the local airwaves out here in the triangle at the moment and it's called "Proud to be Bermudian." Feast your ears on this, it's a real grower...

So as I hit the snooze for the third time the other day and this came on the radio it got me thinking what does it mean to Bermudian. And yes, it is Bermudian and not Bermudan as Microsoft Office spell checker would have those of you not in the know believe. For almost every other race, there is a stereotype, but little ol' Bermuda doesn't have one of those. So I'd thought I'd put together a useful little profile for y'all, consisting of part verified statistics and part casual observation. Some here begin'eth this week's lecture.

So if you were the average Bermudian you are more likely to be black than white (the ratio at last count was 60:40) and female (it's 52% to 48% male). You'll be aged between 35-39. You're probably not married as the number of marriages has fallen by over 30% in the last decade, but if you do get married it'll more likely than not be before your 40th birthday. It is quite possible that your a single parent.

Your household income will be in the region of $53,000 a year and make your way to work from your home in Pembroke - the most densely populated parish. You probably work in a restaurant, hotel or shop.

Now for some more anecdotal statements. I bet you drive around in a Kia Sportage and whether you drive a car or ride a motorcycle, you'll be skilled in the art of holding your blackberry in one hand as you go.

You'll spend comparitively less time at the beach that your expat counterparts.

You are most likely to be a Christian and be found in church on Sundays and you also live by the Christian spirit by volunteering for a charity or maybe even founding one. Bermuda has a staggering volunteer population.

You're likely to be obese as a result of considering mac n cheese a side dish or one too many trips to KFC, and maybe even diabetic. Whatever your weight though I reckon you still take part in one of the many charity walks (there is one pretty much every weekend) and if not your at least sit and watch from the comfort of your fold out chair. You like sushi, particularly the tempura kind that comes with special sauce.

You call in regularly to radio talk shows or write to the paper to voice your opinion.

You'll be sporting Louis Vuitton arm candy regardless of your salary, your heels will be at least six inches and you experiment with nail art.

Sadly you probably know someone who has been shot with the escalating gun violence on the island.

You'll probably die in the April of your 79th year as a result of a circulatory disease or neoplasm.

Heroes, Heroines, Elmo & a Pirate

Here's a conundrum for y'all.... what do Elmo, three kites, soca music, a pirate, BELCO bird (the local energy company's mascot) and a lone jazz saxophonist have in common? Why of course, they were all part of Bermuda's Heroes' Day celebrations today at Fort St. Catherine's beach. To be honest I don't think it's supposed to make sense so I won't waste any time trying to explain it. But it was something to do on an overcast public holiday and I even managed to get some new tan lines. Bonus. 


As for the actual heroes, three more were named to join, up till now, Bermuda's only hero of Heroes' Day, Dame Lois Browne Evans.  Dame Lois broke many racial and gender barriers as the island's first female lawyer, black female MP and female Attorney General, so I guess she was a pretty hard act to match and indeed it's taken a few years to find some. At an official ceremony yesterday, the roles of trade union pioneer, Dr. E. F. Gordon; political, social and economic trailblazer Sir Henry Tucker and civil rights champion, Dr. Pauulu Kamarakego (Dr. Roosevelt Brown), in shaping modern Bermuda were recognised when they were inducted as national heroes.


Meanwhile, in honour of heroes closer to home, a number of father and son teams came together for the first-ever Father’s Day Barbeque Cook-off, which the organisers hope will become an annual event. A team from Flamz Bar & Grill brought home the bacon. Arguably with their too-hot-too-handle grilling skills, these contenders have done just as much to shape modern Bermuda as any politician, with an emphasis on the hips and belly. 

My hero award this week goes to HSBC (never thought I see the day I'd be saying that) following a corporate social responsibility project that is actually making a difference. Following an in-depth restoration project the bank helped open another acre of the beautiful Cooper’s Island Nature Reserve to the public. When you've only got 21 square miles to explore, another acre of adventure is a welcome addition. The reserve is home to my favourite beach, the imaginatively titled, Long Beach. I've leave you with a long (panoramic) photo in it's honour...

Whirlwind romance

Blogging hell!! Where does the time go? It's been 12 days since my last post and I don't even know how that happened - no vacay excuse or whirlwind romance (despite the title of this post) to blame this time. Just the usual heady cocktail of cocktails by the harbour, gym, tan, laundry, however as this isn't the Jersey Shore, there's also sadly been some work tucked in there. Boo. 


Since I last posted two of my close friends from home have had babies, which has got me thinking that I might never be able to have children. Panic not parentals, I'm joking I hope! Although as this blog is supposed to be my baby and my inability to feed it with posts and tend to its cries for attention has got me a little concerned that I may be a commitment-phobe. 


I am however once again in the throngs of my love affair with my island. We are like a celebrity couple, this time each year we renew our vows of undying love for each other before the winter brings it's inevitable rock(y) fever patch. Since we last spoke, summer has arrived in all its glory. My third, how did that happen?! So I'm fully versed with the way it works. Hence forth, no point ever spending any time on my hair, trying to dry myself after a shower, getting antsy about those pesky ants or even feigning mock surprise to find mould on any item of my summer wardrobe. These pursuits are fruitless and just detract from the pleasure of a warm summer evening's run along the little lanes with their pastel pink walled edged with white icing and passing the sands of time with a good read on one of the many the bitchin' beaches. 

Yes me and Bermuda are back in our honeymoon phase and appears there is more than two of us in this relationship. A lot more than two if this CNN.com article has anything to do with it. It list Bermuda alongside Fiji, French Polynesia, Italy and Bali as a hot honeymoon destination due to its combined "close-knit community feel and exotic flavor". In case you don't believe me (or CNN.com) about the beauty of Bermuda in full summer swing, check out this slide show that the site featured only last month.


This charming honeymoon pic of Lori & Johnny Inguanzo enjoying their honeymoon in Bermuda was entered into Elbow Beach hotel's recent Facebook page comp. All together now, arrrrhhhh!

But before the honeymoon comes the whirlwind romance, or to be more precise the start of hurricane season on June 1. Bermuda's stormy season lasts right up until the end of November and if the forecasts are anything to go by we are in for a rough ride! Multiple sources are predicting a busier than average season. The official US forecast, issued last month by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, was for 12-18 named storms, with 6-10 becoming hurricanes and 3-6 growing into major systems. 


But we're ready for ya! According to local insurer, the Argus Group, Bermuda's residents do a good job of making the necessary preparations to lessen the blow of hurricanes in terms of damage to people or property. The closest we came last year was the mighty Igor but we were lucky that it was downgraded to a Category 1 storm before it reached the island rather than the Category 3 that had been expected. 


I end with another tribute to Bermuda's island charm to woo wedding guests and honeymooners alike. Either that or a serious statement about the state of the local education system. Rose-tinted specs or prescription reading (and spelling) glasses required, you decide...

Wreckless Abandon

Some news in yesterday's Bermuda Sun that caught my eye (as anything film related does after my work with the Bermuda International Film Festival earlier this year) was that local TV production company, LookBermuda, is going to make a film exploring one of the island's many shipwrecks. The Mary-Celestia, a blockade-runner that sunk in mysterious circumstances during the American Civil War and now lies off Bermuda's south shore, is to be the subject of the documentary, which makers hope will wash up on the likes of National Geographic or PBS.

The wreck is one of Bermuda's most historic as it sunk in 1864 but has been the subject of extra interest ever since January when a corked bottle of wine was discovered in its bow. Some people will go to extraordinary lengths to get their hands on wine from a good year!

It's hoped that the film will really cement Bermuda's place as a must-do for divers and give the tourism offensive some buoyancy. The island is certainly a wreck mecca, with over 500 in its waters. I've been lucky enough to visit two, The Lartingdon and the Cristobal Colon, and it definitely beats the murky waters filled with sunken taxi cabs and pinball machines of Stoney Cove in the UK, where I did my BSAC training. Many of the wrecks are partially intact so you can actually visualise Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio once walking their decks. What's also great is that the history of many of the ships' skeletal remains have been extensively research so get an education as you dive (and a nifty certificate after telling the wreck's story so you can impress your friends with how much you learnt!).

Apparently most of the ships met their fate as a result of the 200 square miles of coral reef surrounding the island rather than the infamous Bermuda Triangle's influence.

This got me thinking of other things that have been lost at sea on their passage to Bermuda. Hmmm... sense of style. I've just returned from a much-needed break to Montreal and being in a city once more reminded me of just how un-cosmopolitan I have become in my dress-sense. Now Bermuda is no Banana Republic and has a sophisticated corporate community as an international business hub but still it is a hot and sweaty sub-tropical island after all so standards do drop. There's also a lack of choice and the expense involved updating one's wardrobe locally to contend with. I find myself kicking back in my Havianas most of time (outside of the office that is) but as durable as they are they don't quite cut it in the city when everyone else is donning posh little pumps and it rains for three days straight. I also lack any kind of jacket that isn't of the bright and shiny waterproof kind. I was definitely a fish out of water on the chic Quebecois streets.

And another thing that has failed to successfully wash up on Bermuda's shore is a sense of urgency. Oh yes, spend a week in civilisation and you realise just how much you've got used to being on island time. I'm not just talking about the Atlantic Standard time zone but the laissez-faire attitude of the locals. I noticed this most when waiting for my bus back to the airport at 5am at a stop 5 minutes from my guest house. Montreal peeps know its visitors have planes to catch and everything runs to time, works as it should according to the website and leaflets, and gladly accommodates your luggage. You notice the difference when you land in Bermuda for the first time and can't find any information about how to get out of the airport to save your life and even if you did you realise that the bus timetable was not designed with the flight schedule in mind. All logic and reason was sucked into that triangle along with many a shipping vessel or aircraft (as recent negative coverage of the current tourist bus fiasco will testify!).

Although I have to admit I'm as much a sucker for Bermuda's charm as I am a stickler for improving its inadequacies. You know you're in Bermuda when you pile into a taxi with all your bags, realise you haven't got any money, make the driver wait while you queue for a cashpoint and he still smiles and calls you honey. If you were in London, your bags would be in the middle of a puddle on the pavement. I have to say I also find it a much more pleasant experiencing being lulled to sleep by the chirping of a thousand tree frogs than the sounds of inner city life, inner city pressure - the boom of the street being power washed at 12.30am, the smashing of a Smirnoff bottle outside your window and sirens splitting every moment of serenity. Oh yes, paradise does have is undeniable pull factors...

I've got rock fever, get me out of here!!

Now people, it's time to introduce you to a fact of life about living on a VERY small island... occasionally you feel an overwhelming desire to get the rock off of it, even just for a few days and a brief change of scenery from these 21 square miles.

This common syndrome is known to locals and expats alike as "Rock Fever." Typically it sets in after 6-12 weeks of triangle dwelling (depending on your strength of character, immune system and degree of sanity). Symptoms include: loss of appetite for sushi, the sense that one more dark N stormy may be your last and lack of interest in laying on a really nice beach for a few hours. Generally speaking, it's when island life and it's idiosyncrasies stop becoming endearing and start becoming downright annoying. Even the most saint-like and non-violent amongst us just feel like they want to punch one of those really annoying cruise passengers right in the fanny pack for clogging up the pavements when they stop to marvel at every single red letter box.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've come down with a severe case of cabin fever. I've noticed the change in my behaviour and have stopped counting the number of times I've been on the verge of screaming at the top of my lungs "Does nothing work outside of London"??????? But instead, I've carried on with my usual decorum and British stiff upper lip. I'm sucking it up, safe in the knowledge that there is a plane ticket outta here with my name on it departing this weekend for seven whole days of vay-kay! Hola!!

I have selected Montreal for my next off-island adventure as feeling starved of European culture and it's as good as it get this side of the Atlantic.

My biggest gripe when I'm in this mood is the level of customer service offered in the majority of places on the island. Although at home, it was pretty annoying to feel like you were being cross/up sold at every opportunity and asked for your feedback each time you say just hi to a customer service assistant on how you felt the interaction went, but it's true -- you don't know what you've got till it's gone!! In hindsight it is far more infuriating to be handled with no customer care at all.

So here's this month's top three customer service horror stories...

3) The Perot Post Office. Granted it's historic and a very pretty little place to visit, complete with ink wells and original wooden features but I think the notion that the customer is king left the building when there was still a king on the throne in England. Queuing out the door to buy a stamp in this place has you wondering whether you should just send a naff e-card and risk your repetition for good taste after all. When you get to the counter, you then suffer the pain of waiting for the women behind the desk to get a grip on both the envelope and the stamp at the same time with her newly applied fake talons complete with nail art. And you'll need the help of the queen to step off the stamp and apologise on your behalf if you dare to try to place any coins directly into your server's hand rather than in the dish marked "Change in here ONLY." Truly second class service.

2) The Bermuda Book Store. Now when I go away I like to have a guide book in advance as I'm a bit of an itinerary geek but for the first time EVER I am going without. THREE whole weeks ago I ordered my guide book and was informed it would take 7-10 days to arrive. Ok, I thought I am on an island and I've waited longer for Amazon on occasion if it's out of stock. They took my number, very helpful, if only it was used. On day 9 I stopped by on my way past to see if it was here yet. Nope, another few days when the next shipment reaches the triangle. Well ok, a couple less days to obsess about where to eat on the first night. On day 13 I call in as now it's not leaving me with much time to pull together a bare bones itinerary. I am faced with a guy who looks mysteriously around him at the shelves of books: "yes we did have a shipment in so it should be here by now." Might be nice if you'd checked and let me know like you said you would, no?! So he checks the order: "opps sorry it won't be in till the 30th now." After telling him I get back from my trip on the 30th and highlighting the fact it's a guide book for my destination... "so do you wanna cancel then?", erm... D'ya think?!! But really, I'm interested, if you were in my shoes, what would you do??

1) Wheels cycle repairs. Without a doubt the winner of the "McFly, is there anybody home?!" award for blatent disregard of the customer. It's that time of the year again to re-licence my semi-trusted steed so I decide to get a service done. She's no Mercedes Benz but some rough edges need smoothing. I get a quote for $200 and ask to be updated if it's going to be much more as the damn bike is only worth $500 at a push. I call for an update the next day, we're at $285, not the end of the world. Ok, fine, I'll pick here up tomorrow. In I go, all smiles to be seeing my girl again in better health. That'll be $585 - WTF!! We go through the itemised bill and I'm informed all the work needed doing and I agree she's looking slick with a new leather seat and the cheeky wink of the gas gauge is back. I make peace with it till less that a mile down de road we break down. Now it's me who is steaming. I'm straight on the phone to explain calmly what happened. "Ohhhh, do you want to park it somewhere where it is easier for us to pick up and drop the keys back in." Urm not really. But I do. Having waited five minutes for a customer to be served, I'm just asked: "are you just dropping off the keys?" Yes any ideas where I stick them. I won't bore you with the rest but hereafter follows two days of picking the bike up twice and repeatedly calling for an update. We are back in business, although I'm not convinced that she is not in worse shape then when I was still $585 richer. Worst of all I had to beg for an apology and when asking for compensation I was told: "I'd like to, but I can't." Words fail me.

This all comes down to the lack of competition on this island. Bad service does not equal not getting paid like it does at home so no comeuppance also means not an ounce of remorse.

So feeling much better after that raaaaaant. I leave you with this story about how it has taken the Government ten years to draw up a bus timetable, even with the help of an external consultant, and they till haven't quite cracked it yet. If this was the Crystal Maze rather than the Bermuda Triangle, a more-than-fair automatic lock-in for this task would have been a year. Yup, it's definitely time for a wee break from paradise and, for the PR person who suggested a smiling handshake shot for this announcement, maybe a permanent career break!!

See you in June when I'm hopefully in a better mood ;-)

Making waves in more ways than one

Making waves last week was a 4.4 magnitude earthquake, 50 miles off the coast of Bermuda. Actually, in reality, it was more of a ripple, but bread rolls did fall off the shelf at a local supermarket! Thanks Bermuda Sun for the photographic evidence to share...

Although in comparison to other natural disasters that have rocked the world of late this was a definite non-event, it did get people asking questions about whether Bermuda could experience a devastating Tsunami in the future. I don't like our chances having seen the footage from Japan and given the damage there as we are a mere blip on the radar.

Apparently the chances of a mega-quake here are slim to none but a Harvard University expert provided some clarity in a Bermuda Sun interview: “In terms of tsunami risk there is some risk as Bermuda is close to the Caribbean subduction zone. An earthquake in 1918 in Puerto Rico caused a tsunami which reached Bermuda two hours later.That gap provides some time for evacuation which should be a comfort.The size of the tsunami would depend on a lot of factors. Bermuda also has shallow water — but nothing like the continental shelf — which can cause the wave to rise up.The risk in Bermuda compared to seismically active areas is a lot lower because you don’t have a source nearby. One advantage is also that you are going to have some time to evacuate.The risk is lower than around the Pacific but it is not zero.” So, it's not quite time to pack my bags and head for a larger land mass just yet.

Also making waves, this time overseas rather than on them, is the great Gosling's rum. Awareness of this fine spirit rose significantly away from home following a feature in Fortune magazine this month. This local beverage of choice is now being shipped as far as Shanghai and Sydney and last year sold 83,000 cases of rum. I definitely know of a number of UK home drinks cabinets that now stock it, thanks to yours truly and my personal campaign of passion for the Black Seal. However fear not Bermudians, the secret of this masterpiece of rum blending to still relatively safe. Mr. Gosling from Gosling's told The Royal Gazette: "We’re not going to be a million-case brand. We want to grow in a controlled fashion. We don’t want to do anything that would sacrifice the quality of the product." Part of protecting its integrity and heritage was the company's move to brand the Dark N Stormy. 

I would argue however that more in need of protection (from themselves) over the long Easter weekend is the Dark N Stormy fans. Particularly after the first infamous Booze Cruise of the 2011 season. It's a simple concept... pay $60, all in the name of charidee of course for some sports team, board a boat for four hours and drink till you can drink no more. For many of us Good Friday became Bad Friday as we struggled through with storm force waves of nausea, celebrating our own resurrection for the weekend come Saturday morning. The expat fam makes up for the distance between them and blood relatives with what can only be described as the utmost unity and mutual appreciation as they disembark from a booze cruise. Joined not by blood lines but by arms draped around each other, friends and strangers, wearing the uniform of drink stains and the sweet smile of survival. 

Waves of dissatisfaction are crashing on these shores from a TripAdvisor.com review of the island posted in 2009. It's pretty damning. I will supply one quote and a link to the full post, simply because I cannot bear to give space to someone dissing my island on this blog!!! Luckily Bermuda Department of Tourism have come to TEAM BDA's defence. "Bermuda is a nasty rotten stinkhole" apparently. Bermuda is beautiful. Fact. Waves of anger!!!!!

Meanwhile, not making as many waves this weekend were the local ferries, which serve the smaller stops around Hamilton Harbour. Not much riles my still waters but this seems like utter stupidity in the name of budget cuts and as I live in town it doesn't really impact me. But, if I did live out of time, this issue might just get me joining the ranks of the firey Bermudians to let off some steam in a letter to editor or call to a talk show. Bermuda isn't the easiest place to get around as it is. Tourists can't hire cars, buses stop fairly early in the evening and taxis are an expensive luxury. The Government ain't backing down though. Last word was that it was now up to entrepreneurs to step up and save the day. Let's hope these mysterious ferry business people are waiting in the wings, ready to do the hero bit.

I really feel for the owners of the smattering of guesthouses that line Harbour Road. Especially, the lovely Greenbanks - my first home on this island. I wasn't sitting on the fortune required to stay in a hotel while I found a more permanent home (and still am not for that matter!), so it was perfect, with a minute walk to a regularly served ferry stop and a idyllic 10 mins ferry ride into Hamilton. With next to no ferries, I would have to have thought twice before staying there and no doubt others now will be doing just that. Not such a great brainwave hey, especially in times like these!